Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Gettin' Jiggly With It

They're itchy.  They're tight.  They're hot and uncomfortable in the summer months.  They always slide halfway down your butt when you bend over.  They look totally unnatural.  They rip easily and often end up in the trash after just one use.  They are completely out of fashion.  They look crazy hot with a pair of Daisy Dukes and some high heels (ok, not really).

And I love them.

I'm talkin' 'bout pantyhose, people.

I pray daily for pantyhose to make their big comeback.  Please, sisters.  I know it's a hugely unpopular request, but back me up on this one.  Can I really be the only one who appreciates a good pair of pantyhose for its jiggle control value?  Am I the only one who feels sort of commando-ish without them?

I'm so concerned about this subject that I sat in the women's meeting at church on Sunday and just eyeballed everybody's legs.  Yeah, I know, I'm supposed to be there for the spiritual enrichment, but come on--this is IMPORTANT!   I observed that the only legs adorned with nylon were the ones attached to old ladies (and me), at least from what I could tell.

This is extremely depressing to me.

You know when you buy a really cute new outfit and you're all excited to wear it and then YOUR MOM goes and tells you how cute it is?  Yeah, depressing like that.

I just wanna know who I need to talk to about nudging the trend back to that happy place where wearing pantyhose is cool again.   Britney Spears?  Tiger Woods' supermodel anorexic ex wife?  Somebody on Dancing With the Stars?  Miley Montana or whatever her name is?  Who influences what the kids are wearing these days?

That last question sounded like something my grandma would ask.  Perhaps I really am meant to hang--or jiggle--with the pantyhose crowd after all.  I suppose I had better embrace it.

Oh Jiminy Christmas, now where did I put my dad-gum stockings?

Saturday, August 28, 2010

A new leaf 'n all that

Writing really is my passion, in case you somehow failed to pick up on that about me.  Unfortunately, I've spent almost four months now (really?  how sad) doing anything BUT writing, as is evidenced by all the missing posts between May 5 and now.   I promise, the posts have been floating around in my head all this time.  I just haven't been disciplined enough to sit down and try to translate them into something that makes sense while being ridiculously entertaining to the slightly off-balance crowd.

So I'm turning over a new leaf.  Some people have even said (some REAL people and some that are just in my head) that they miss my posts and wish I'd write more often than I do.  Now, since more often than NEVER equals BARELY EVER, I'm thinking I can make that happen.   I know, way to push myself and exceed expectations.

And in that spirit of doing the bare minimum, I'm counting this as my first post.  Think of it as a teaser, my way of getting you to salivate for what awaits you in the coming days.   I'm giving you a reason to jump out of bed excitedly in the morning, probably even before your alarm goes off.

You're welcome.